so i had a good christmas and stuff and i was about to leave, but the plane i was in was waiting to take off. we had been waiting on the runway for a pretty long time, 20 minutes or something, and once we got in the air the pilot said something to the effect of "sorry we took so long on the ground, i will try to see if the air traffic controllers can give us a shortcut to make up some time." now i thought this was kind of weird: how can a plane make a shortcut? i mean i assume that pilots fly in a straight line from place to place, rather than flying in circles or trying to give passengers the scenic route or something. i mean, what did the pilot expect the air traffic controller to say? "flight 5104, to make up some time why don't you just fly through that mountain peak rather than over it? that should save a few minutes." i guess the pilot meant he wanted to speed up, but why not just say that? weird. also, the flight was cold as hell, which sucks. i think there was a damn hole in the plane where my feet were, because this freezing jet of air was blowing over them the entire flight. i told the stewardess, and she said she was sorry but that always happened, but then my bag got sucked out through the hole and i guess they got mad that i tried to stop up the hole with my carry-on so we had to land early and i had to talk to the security people. ok, that didn't happen, but it was cold and that sucked. i mean, you'd think plane designers would figure out that people don't wear snow boots on planes, so maybe they would prefer that cold air is not blown on their feet for the entire flight. why not blow it outside the plane?? man, that would be crazy. and furthermore, i think it's funny to watch the stewardesses (and stewards) do those arm motions during the beginning of the flight spiel, "there are two rear exits, two over the wings" etc, and they all do the same pointing motion with two fingers. looks like synchronized swimming.

well, since there were no real jokes in this one, here's a yo mama joke:

yo mama so ugly, she looks like she got hit with two bags of "what the fuck."

so i think Paris Hilton should start a spam email company. Probably half of the spam i get is either from "Paris Hilton" or about her. I mean, if she started a company and licensed her name to spammers and let them say "Paris Hilton wants you to get herbal viagra" or whatever, she could get a lot of dough. and if she sued the spam companies that were using her name without permission, she could get a ton more. You'd think the Hilton thing would have worn off by now, I mean it's been a couple of months since that tape made news. And her show is pretty boring, too. Oh well. If you're reading this, Paris, I'll be your agent. I know some HTML, I can write the spam for you. Let's talk.

so they captured saddam, which is pretty cool. I first saw it last night because i was at work all day, and when i saw the front page of Yahoo with the picture of saddam with a beard i thought it was some kind of banner ad for the Onion or some joke, and then there'd be an animation of the headline tearing and something crazy would happen, like an SUV would drive out. But anyway, something struck me as odd with this: the operation to get him was called Operation Red Dawn. I immediately thought, "wow, Red Dawn is that stupid World War 3 movie with Patrick Swayze." The movie is pretty hilarious, the Russians and the Cubans (oh no, not the Cubans!) invade the US and conquer lots of stuff, up into Wyoming or something, and Patrick Swayze and some kids make a guerilla group and fight the Russians and the uh, Cubans. Or maybe they are from Nicaragua. It's kind of entertaining and it has lots of funny patriotic stuff about the Russians and Cubans being bad. They are like "Ha-ha Yankee prisoner, smoke this cigar until you get sick!!!" No, they do stuff like parachute into a high school and kill all the kids, since they are so bad. That's probably one of the most bizarre beginnings of a movie ever, actually. There was a really hilarious article in Maxim awhile back that showed how Swayze quotes from the movie reflected Zen philosophy or something, but I can't find it now. Plus it was apparently the first movie to be rated PG-13, interesting. Here's a link about the movie: from IMDB.

So anyway, I thought that was a weird coincidence, "Red Dawn" is kind of a random title for anything, and then I read on Yahoo that the two houses the troops searched to find Saddam were code-named "Wolverine 1" and "Wolverine 2". "The Wolverines" was the name of the guerilla group from the movie. So some Pentagon planner obviously likes cheesy ass war movies. Kind of amazing it wasn't called like "Operation Complete Justice" or "Final Victory" or something corny like that. But no, now Patrick Swayze killing damn dirty commies with his teenage army will be forever remembered.

so i think disclaimers at the end of TV commercials are getting ridiculous. I remember the first one I ever saw was on a commercial for "Guess Who," that board game from the late 80s or early 90s where you had all these cards with drawings of faces on them and you had to guess which card the other player had. Well, during the commercial the cards were animated and they’d say stuff when kids asked questions, like the kid would ask “Does your person have a beard?” and one of the cards would say “Nope, see you later!” and the card would fall over. “Does your person have blonde hair?” “I sure do!”, et cetera, and then the victorious kid would say “Hey, you’re Darrell!!” Then at the end of the commercial there was a voiceover saying “game pieces do not actually talk.” I thought that was pretty hilarious, what kind of dummy would think they did? “Mommy!! This toy doesn’t work!! I asked who wore glasses and nobody said anything!!” And another disclaimer I remember vividly was for some SUV. it seems like car commercials always have the most and the stupidest disclaimers. so this car was driving through a horse racing course, the kind with the stuff the horses jump over, like brick walls and hedges, with some energetic type music playing, probably Led Zeppelin, since they're all Led Zeppelin now. anyway, it was splashing through puddles and crashing through hedges and the only disclaimer was "not a regulation horse race course." what the hell??? who cares? does that have any effect on this car whatsoever? unless they were saying it's ok to crash your car through regulation horse racing courses, but not through non-regulations ones? why not have the usual "professional driver, do not attempt" thing they usually have? that commercial boggled my mind. but the most recent one i saw was also for some truck, it was pulling a boat which morphed into a camper, then another car, then a flatbed thing with lots of wood on it, i guess showing that the truck was powerful or had a lot of "torque" or whatever that shit is. that's all well and good, but then there was a disclaimer that said "picture simulated". so wait, this truck doesn't come with a boat that transforms into a camper and then into a car!? that is false advertising! I want this truck to pull optimus prime, not a damn boat. i can't believe how stupid advertisers think we are and what inane shit they think they need to include in ads. but now i think i'm going to go have a conversation with my memory game for kids while crashing my SUV through some regulation hedges.

so I think those “Drug Free Zone” signs are stupid. Aren’t drugs already illegal? “Well, you aren’t allowed to have drugs anywhere, but if you have them here on this block, look out mister, they are extra-illegal.” I guess the drug free zones are supposed to be around churches and schools and stuff, but if something’s illegal, it’s illegal. You can’t be more illegal. Kind of dumb. And are other areas not drug-free? And what about other crimes? “Well, you killed somebody, and you’re in a Murder Free Zone, so we’ll probably arrest you or something.” Why not just make the whole country an “Illegal Activity Free Zone”? If it’s illegal and you do it in this zone here between Canada and Mexico, you will get in trouble. Or just make the signs say “Increased penalties for drugs here” rather than “Drug Free Zone.” But I guess that’s not as catchy.

so on the main page of yahoo, the first news article's headline is "Schwarzenegger won't hold groping probe". Read that again. I think they maybe should have thought about how that might be construed. I can hear Arnold saying "Hallo, woult you lahk to holt my groping probe?"

so is the unibrow the new cool thing for hipsters? i've seen two hipster type guys recently, one of whom i know, with unibrows . it was weird, i couldn't stop staring at it. like, "what the hell is that doing there?" and they weren't lazy scraggly unibrows, where the person forgot to trim or whatever, but full, obviously on purpose manicured and plucked unibrows. i don't get it. are these guys trying to be ironic? does it mean something? or do they just want to repel members of the opposite sex? or possibly of the same sex, who knows. if looking like a doofus is the new way to get chicks, then man, i guess i am never getting any chicks. ho ho.

also, i think if i were a plumber, i'd call my operation "Mario and Luigi Plumbing." that'd be cool.

so i think the spring forward - fall back thing is dumb. (I was going to say I think daylight savings time is dumb, but i learned it's actually the coming off of daylight savings time that sucks.) So anyway, I think we should be on daylight savings time all the time, it's stupid to suddenly make it get darker earlier. I hate coming home when it's pitch dark, it's cold and weird. and it probably raises heating bills nationwide. Just look, after October the heat bills in the U.S. skyrocket! Only because of coming off daylight savings time! Ok, that's because of winter, but I bet if it didn't get darker earlier, people would still pay a little less. If everybody in the country used less electricity (or burned less wood or whatever), that'd be a big savings, and it'd reduce pollution. Supposedly it's "for the farmers" so they can get more work done, but I have a suggestion for farmers: wake up earlier. Seriously, farmers don't need a set schedule as much as the ret of us. The cows don't know what time it is. The farming day starts when the cows need milking and chickens are ready to lay eggs or eat seeds or whatever they do. Since the rest of the U.S. needs a set schedule, I don't see why we change it for somem farmers who could just set their alarms an hour earlier and get the same amount of stuff done. And the timing is stupid too. "Ok, I've got this great idea, let's make it really dark right before every normal kid in the U.S. walks around their towns in costumes collecting candy! That will be really safe." Of course, kids go out trick-or-treating now at like 4 pm, which is ridiculous. But that's another story.

so i think i have discovered the worst blog ever. i can't understand half of it because it's in some kind of nerd language that the writer assumes you understand, and the other half is just annoying and/or pointless. for example, here is one entire entry:

I'd like some pumpkin pie now, kthnx.

what the hell? i don't fucking care if you want pie. are you sending your order at a restaurant via a blog? damn. every entry (that i can understand) is basically "ooh please comment on what stupid crap i am writing, i need attention!" what a waste of space on the web (which is saying a lot, since it's, you know, infinite.) i mean, i'd rather look at pop-ups for car loans and wireless surveillance cameras than read that shitty-ass piece of shit. except that it's kind of fun for a minute or two, like "how much worse can this get?"

here it is

also, check out her music choices. that would be some good stuff, if it were opposite day.

well, i guess not everyone can write jokes about poop. i'm sure she is a nice girl and i wish her well and stuff.

so one of my roommates is moving out and i am not having a lot of luck finding someone to replace her. so i am going to write MTV and ask for one of their real world rejects:

Dear MTV,
One of my roommates is moving out and my other roommate and I were wondering if you could send us one of the rejects or back-ups from the Real World. I know there must be lots of back-ups, because sometimes when people leave, like that boring female cop on the first or second season, new people come in. And there are people who probably just missed getting on the show but are still pretty cool. We would prefer that you send us one of the "hot chick" or the "exhibitionist chick" characters, but the "funny guy" role would be ok too. Please do not send us the small town close-minded person, or the grumpy guy, the whiny girl, or the alcoholic. If you want to film our house, that would be allright too.

Thanks.

so it appears i have made a new friend, or something. about a month ago this girl IMed me out of nowhere with "hey girl, do u like trevor????" i said "trevor who?" or something, and then decided to go with it for awhile "i dunno, he's allright" and stuff. i learned the girl iming me was named "krysta" and she thought i was somebody named tracey, because she said something like "tracey U R so crazy!!!", so i went with it for awhile and asked random questions, but nothing too revealing or anything. then i got bored and decided to say that I wasn't actually tracey and I don't know who you are, i.e. "i live in d.c. and i don't know who you are. why do i have all this weird stuff in my profile, huh, krysta?" which she thought was really funny and responded with "whatever girl, see u at school" and logged off. every now and then she'll IM me while i'm at work and say something about my away messages, which i assume don't make any sense to her since I am talking about looking for a roommate in adams morgan and going to basketball games and stuff. apparently she lives in michigan (at least that's what her AIM directory thing says). so the other day she imed me again, and i decided to save the conversation. good stuff. the stuff in parentheses are comments by me, they weren't in the conversation.

BurkeShire20: read my pro when u see this

Auto response from SQUIDPANTS: poop = best word ever

(her profile said "I am gonna make a book of tracey's random away messages, LOL!!!"

SQUIDPANTS: haha, cool
BurkeShire20: lol
SQUIDPANTS: except i'm not tracey
BurkeShire20: here we go again
SQUIDPANTS: haha. i'm serious.
SQUIDPANTS: who are you
SQUIDPANTS: doesn't it seem weird that none of my away messages make any sense to you
BurkeShire20: the qustion is who r u
BurkeShire20: ?
SQUIDPANTS: well you started iming me
SQUIDPANTS: my name is drew
SQUIDPANTS: i mean, steve
BurkeShire20: im sure
SQUIDPANTS: yah so what's up girl
SQUIDPANTS: you should put that novel on your website
(long pause)
SQUIDPANTS: alright, bye
BurkeShire20: bye drew
BurkeShire20: i mean steve
BurkeShire20: l oo
BurkeShire20: i need 2 use the lou
SQUIDPANTS: see ya samantha
SQUIDPANTS: awesome
BurkeShire20:
BurkeShire20:
SQUIDPANTS: those are blank
BurkeShire20: whoa, dude!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BurkeShire20: who is samantha?
SQUIDPANTS: i dunno, who is drew or steve
BurkeShire20: u
BurkeShire20: dudey\]
SQUIDPANTS: huh?
BurkeShire20: tuti fruti
SQUIDPANTS: automatic bazooty
(those are some beck lyrics in my profile)
SQUIDPANTS: that's a beck song
BurkeShire20: lol tracey lol u suck at basketball
BurkeShire20: jk
SQUIDPANTS: whatever, they call me shaqette
BurkeShire20: sureeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
SQUIDPANTS: they call you krysta bryant. you know, like kobe
SQUIDPANTS: or that guy who is in jail for smoking pot all the time, that's you
BurkeShire20: your gay
BurkeShire20: l
BurkeShire20: o
BurkeShire20: l
SQUIDPANTS: damn you are mean
SQUIDPANTS: you make me sad :'(
BurkeShire20: meirdo
(i think she is trying to say "shit" in spanish here)
SQUIDPANTS: well, kolomdo to you
(that is nonsense)
SQUIDPANTS: hey what's your website again, i lost the address
(i figured i'd look at her website, if she has one, to have something to talk about)
BurkeShire20: ¿Por qué jura usted en mí? (i think this means "why are you swearing at me?")
SQUIDPANTS: que significa jura (what does "jura" mean?)
BurkeShire20: yo no tengo un sitio web (I don't have a website)
SQUIDPANTS: y es "mierdo", no "meirdo" (and it's "mierdo", not "meirdo")
SQUIDPANTS: creo que lo tienes (i believe that you have one)
BurkeShire20: ok
BurkeShire20: gtg eat
BurkeShire20: buh byew
BurkeShire20: bye
SQUIDPANTS: ok adios girl
BurkeShire20 signed off at 6:44:32 PM.

man, that is hours of fun. i considered saying something like "krysta, i don't know how to tell you this, but i've been attracted to you for a long time," but i figure that would probably be bad.

so this is more a list for myself, so you can ignore it if you want. i am considering going to these concerts soon:

fri nov 21: assrockers, shakedowns, high school hellcats - black cat, $7

sat nov 22: The Scratch Tour featuring The X-ecutioners • Z-Trip • Rahzel • Jazzy Jay • The Spooks, 9:30 club, 11pm Doors, $20

sun nov 23: Le Tigre w/ Out Hud & Aspera, $14

thurs dec 2: The RAPTURE, EL GUAPO, CASIOTONE & THE PAINFULLY ALONE black cat $12adv/$14day 8:30

MON DEC 15- AMERICAN ANALOG SET, THE ALBUM LEAF, 302 ACID black cat $10 mainstage 8:30

THUR DEC 18- FRENCH KICKS, ORANGES BAND, LA GUARDIA black cat $10 mainstage 8:30

so i am bored. i'm at work with not a lot to do and checked all my email and been to every website and bothered everybody on my buddy list. so i found this pretty cool website to pass my time with, artistdirect.com. it's a music site with biographies and discographies of pretty much every band ever, it's pretty interesting. i listen to netscape radio at work, which is like a streaming internet radio thing where you can pick different channels, like indie or old school rap or whatever, and when i hear a band i like but don't know much about, I check them out on artistdirect. pretty cool. and you can play the netscape radio from the site, you don't have to download anything, which is good. it has clued me into a lot of bands i've been hearing about but have never heard and some i had never heard of. to get there, just click "radio" on the top left on the main netscape page, netscape.com. it'll pop up the radio player and you are good to go. i like the "new indie", "indie rock mix", "indie rock" (which i guess is different than the indie rock mix), "90s alternative", "90's indie", "brit pop", and "old skool" channels. so that's how i spend a lot of time, in between maps, reading about weird bands and writing them down. i have a million post-its with random songs on them. mostly creed.

now it's time for a joke i made up:

what did elton john say when he joined the french army during world war II?

hold me closer, german panzer

it's funnier if you sing the punch line to the tune of "tiny dancer". ho ho ho.

so i bought these cheez-its today at the vending machine, but they taste like vietnamese food. kind of sucks. i was listening to the radio this morning, and they had triumph the insult comic dog on, that was pretty funny. for me to poop on!!! ahahaaha. bet you didn't see that coming. actually it was cool, but the dj guy on that station is weird. whenever somebody calls in and says bye, he always says exactly what they say. so if the person hangs up and says "talk to you later" he says "talk to you later," or if they say "love your show" he says "love your show" back, like when you are having an awkward conversation on the street and the when you are leaving, the person says "see you later" you automatically say the same thing back. but i dunno, it's odd. he's a dj, and and it doesn't seem like it's on purpose. or maybe all these people actually have their own radio shows and they just call each other to make their shows more interesting. "what do you do?" "oh, i get paid to call radio shows and say interesting stuff." "oh." and then i got avril lavigne stuck in my head, because i think she's awesome and punk and i was playing her cd and i have her poster over my bed. no actually that was the last song on the radio when i left. (and i was listening to that station because if i listen to stuff i like, you know, like the smooth jazz station, i will never get out of bed). i hate that, the last song i hear is always the one that gets stuck. why can't it be the best one. or at least the one that will annoy the most people when i sing it, like i am doing now. ho ho ho

so i found some more stupid spam crap. today i got an email with the subject "Re: plum unusual hermit forcefulness nucleic". what the hell is that? "oh, random words strung together, i should check that, it might be from my grandma with alzheimers." how could that ever work? well, i guess if they send a million of these they might get a real sentence like "i am having a party" or something, but it's still pretty ridiculous. why not at least try to make subjects that make sense? i guess i should get into spamming people since i keep thinking of stuff i avoid. i could write email subjects that people would actually read, such as "you gave me herpes, you asshole!"

so i'm really getting sick of spam in my email. and it's not even clever spam anymore that I might possibly open, it's so ridiculous that I can't believe people are reading it. "ooh! an email from uegfgajowumrx.com, I must know that person!!" or the ones that say "Pëñïš ēńľåřġęmĕʼnŧ", "ooh, that must be legit because of all of those funny looking letters!" obviously some idiots must be reading it or else they wouldn't be sending it, but damn! maybe instead of suing spammers, we should sue the morons who read the spam and make spammers think that what they are doing is working.

so it's time for more hilarious observations from work!!! yay!

first off, i don't like it when people talk to me when i'm in the bathroom at the urinal, especially people i don't know. to me, pissing is a private act, and i don't want to discuss it with anybody.
"how's it going, random person from the office?"
"pretty good man, just holding my penis."
"cool, me too"

i mean, nobody talks to you while pooping? why is it ok to do while peeing? weird.


also, i went to this new deli place near my work, and they didn't have french fries, which was odd. but the main thing is that they had a "san diego chicken sandwich". which i guess means they had a sandwich made of this. sounds delicious!

so i was goofing around online the other day and i saw this ad:

(if the image doesn't work, try right clicking and going to "show picture," or click here)

the ad is for the women's world cup, and i noticed it at first because it moves, but then i noticed something else: look at the dude on the right. notice how far down the picture goes. the body paint ends about 2 inches below his belly button, and then you can see what looks like some dark stuff and what appears to be some underwear. i mean, either this dude has some low, low pants on, or he is really doing something to get the female soccer players' attentions. didn't yahoo or whoever notice that this might not be the best picture to use in an ad? "hey you guys, i've got this great picture of a pantsless guy and a sign, let's use this!!" good thing it says "action images" there, or else we might be getting a show. weird.

So I am bored as a gourd and the boss is out of the office, so I am going to write about one of my favorite subjects, candy. I love candy. I could eat it all day. Although, I think I have a cavity now. Which sucks. But anyway, who cares about that shit. Here are my favorite candies and why, in no particular order

Mambas - i think Mambas are great, they are like better Starburst with more fruit-tasting flavor (as opposed to chemical fruity flavor like starburst) and they aren't as sweet, and they are cheaper. Plus they don't spread mad cow disease! which is always how I judge my candies.

Twizzlers - So Twizzlers do taste like toxic waste, but it's delicious toxic waste. i like the cherry flavor a lot, and it's a good consistency. but eat too many and your stomach can't absorb all that waxy crap.

Mike and Ikes - I think Mike and Ikes are my favorite candy. They're fruity and sweet and i dunno, yummy. We used to get 5 pound bags at the Sam's Club or Price Club or whatever and i'd eat it in a week. Then i couldn't get out of bed for a week. weird.

Three Musketeers - I think Three Musketeers is my favorite chocolate candy. I like the nibble off all the outside chocolate so there's just a bar of nougat stuff left. yum.

Circus Peanuts - no, seriously. I know they are pretty disgusting, but sometimes I have a craving for them. maybe it's the spongy consistency. or their obvious nutritional value and natural coloring.

Well, that's all i can think of now. i will probably add more later.

got any you like that i forgot?
email me

so I went to the dentist’s office today, and now I smell like dentist’s office. You know, like that chalky latex bib thing. that thing stinks.

so one of my favorite new jokes is to eat candy with wrappers, like starburst or mambas, then carefully fold the wrapper back up like it looks like there is candy inside, and offer it to people. man, that is hours of fun. somebody brought a jack o'lantern to work and put it at the mailboxes, i think i am going to fill it with empty wrappers. good times.

so maybe nobody else does this, but there's a lot of big, multi-person cubicles in my office, so i hear lots of people talk without seeing them. i like to see if i can figure out who has what voice, and then i like when i see the person talk. sometimes it's like "that guy has that voice??" it's interesting, because voice really differs person to person. it seems like sometimes the biggest people can have the smallest voices and vice versa.

and since there were no funny jokes in this post, here's one:

Q: What does a bell made out of poop sound like?

A: Dung!

so i am really starting to like chili dogs. there's a hot dog vendor near work who makes pretty good ones and they are cheap. and for some reason i fart a lot at work now. weird.

has anybody noticed that i keep talking about bodily functions? only poop is left, i guess. stay tuned.

so i don't understand how i can have so much snot. i think i am getting sick and i keep having to blow my nose, over and over. i have thought before that i'd like to get my mucous membranes removed, because sometimes having to squirt water up my nose to keep it moist sounds like a fair trade-off. i mean i am surprised there is still liquid in my body. snot sucks.

so what I really hate is fruit on the bottom yogurt. That stuff sucks. For one, it takes hours to eat, because first you have to mix it up and try (unsuccessfully) to get all the fruit off the bottom. Then while you're mixing it, some always gets pushed over the edge of the little plastic cup and onto your pants or the table, so you've got a nice stain. And then when you finally get the fruit mixed in enough, it's still gross, because the fruit looks like colored sperm. That's a nice metaphor, huh? I think I'm going to use that one more often. Actually I guess not, since sperm isn't really chunky, unless you really need to see a doctor. Maybe it's like the insides of a tomato or pumpkin. that's better. And then the mixed yogurt has a gross consistency anyway, with random bits of squishy chunks, and when you finish eating, there's still a bunch of congealed fruit crap on the bottom of the cup. but at least it's not "Gogurt." Gee, I think we need more squishy food products in a tube, because I am tired of using utensils. It takes too much time to use a plate and spoon, I just want to squirt food into my mouth. Why don't we see more food like this? I wanna see "Gochili". Maybe I'll make that, and become a millionaire. That sounds alright.

so somebody on the train this morning smelled just like jack daniel's. it was pretty weird, i guess it was some sort of cologne? everybody on the train was all dressed for work and i didn't see any bums or anything. maybe somebody was doing shots at happy hour last night and forgot to change his shirt. i dunno though, it seems like you might not want to buy cologne that smells like alcohol.

"man, tom's a good worker, but he always reeks of alcohol."
"i think that's his cologne."
"oh, ok, and this red lipstick-looking stuff on my collar is from when i dropped a lollipop."

so i am getting pretty sick of the water cooler at work. it seems like the only time the tank gets changed is when i change it, everyone else in the office, probably 50 people, would rather sit and wait for the water to slowly drip into their cup than replace the jug. it's not like i know some amazing and difficult skill, you just pick it up and flip it on. anyone with the ability to lift 10 pounds can do it, and anyone with more coordination than manute bol can flip it into place. i think i am going to write a note offering training courses on how to replace the water jug. maybe i will print up certificates: "I, the undersigned, am no longer a lazy jackass." it's like i am some kind of provider, the god of water. "Here, my thirsty ones, come drink! Let me provide this water to you." "Oh thank you, water god." Now i just need to get some concubines and nymphs and stuff.

so i just discovered the funniest thing in the world: if you go to superpages.com's people search or to yahoo people search or something and look for the last name "butt." it's hours of fun. i was looking around new york city and found some of the best and awesomest and most ridiculous names ever, like "A. Butt" "Abdul Butt," "Charm P. Butt," "Farooq A. Butt" "C. Butt" "Hubert Butt" "Gull H. Butt" etc. God damn if that is not the funniest thing ever. an example. I haven't looked for "poop" or "boob" or "penis" but rest assured, that day will come.

so I don’t understand why so many coffee places seem to have enormous straws all of a sudden. The other day I got a smoothie at a place and the straw was twice as long as the cup, and today I got a blended coffee thing and the straw is probably two feet long, it looks ridiculous. I mean, besides reminding ladies of my anatomy (ho ho) what’s the point of these? I ordered a small smoothie, not a Super Big Gulp. But now I can drink while holding my cup at arm’s length! Yay! Is there suddenly a lot of people who are in casts or have arthritis and can’t bend their arms? Do running backs need to hold smoothies while stiff-arming people? I don’t get it. I guess it saves me money though, since even though I left my drink on the metro train, I can still drink it from my desk.

so i was just watching a commercial for lavalife, i think it was called, a dating phone line thing where you call in and talk to people. it was talking about the people supposedly on the system, like "steve has two left feet but he makes up for it with two left shoes." no actually it said "steve has two left feet but makes up for it with a love of cooking," "so and so is a marketing manager and makes friends fast, etc". then there was one, "dave (or some name i forget) is a doctor and loves the outdoors and romantic walks to the convenience store." what the hell does that mean? walking to the convenience store to buy condoms? it's not funny, and the announcer didn't say it with any hint of a joke. i don't see how that advertises your service at all. "ooh! guys who either want to have sex with me or are weird and think walking to the convenience store is fun! i want some of that!!"

so i dunno if anybody reads this, or if anybody plays video games, but after buying a couple of games recently for my playstation 2, i decided to review them:

first up is allstar baseball 2003: allstar baseball 99 for the N64 was a very good game with good graphics and lots of stats, even if it was pretty easy. however, this version just sucks. the batting is extremely difficult, even on the easiest possible settings, the pitching is boring, and the graphics are crappy, even worse than the N64, which is weird. in general, this game is just not fun, and i plan on taking it back today. the only decent thing is that there are some good options, like making an expansion team with an expansion draft, but you can only pick from a few cities and a few team names, and most of them are stupid, like "ruff puppies." what kind of stupid up person would want to name their team the ruff puppies? and there are no normal names, like senators or statesmen or anything like that, and you can't create your own. lame city. most of the other options are hard to use and confusing, and the menus are a pain in the ass, you have to push a million buttons. so in short, don't get it. i am going to look for high heat or world series 2k3 pretty soon, they appear to be better.

next: madden 2002: great football game, that's all there is to it. you can do all sorts of stuff with your team, get free agents, etc, although i'm not real sure how to use them, and the stuff about salaries are hard to figure out. but the gameplay and graphics itself are great, i have no complaints at all. so if you are looking for a cheaper football game (since this is a few years old) pick it up.

ncaa basketball 2k3: a very good college hoops game, but with some problems. the graphics are excellent, i've had friends come over and say "what game are you watching". the game has the espn license, so all of the real espn graphics and music are in the game, which is cool. recruiting is easy to learn and interesting to do, and lots of stuff is customizable. i really like franchise mode, where you start as a coach for a crummy school and try to move to better schools. however, there is a big problem: it's too easy. i have gone undefeated three times with loyola marymount on the hardest setting, which hasn't happened ever in real life (the last undefeated team was Indiana in 1976, and the University of San Francisco (no, honestly) had a winning stream last over three seasons from 1955 to 1957, thanks to future nba hall of famers bill russell.) the main problem is that it's way too easy to steal passes. i've had three players average more than 4 steals a game, which is incredible, considering the ncaa leader last year had about 3.5. also, it's too easy to get offensive rebounds and too hard to get defensive ones. and finally, three pointers and free throws are very hard to make, i've never had a player shoot better than 20% on threes or 55% on free throws. that said, it's still a really fun and realistic game, and i look forward to buying ncaa 2k4 when it comes out, as i've heard they made stealing harder.

well, hope this helps. it helped me avoid work for awhile. yay.

so the soap in the bathroom at work smells like aftershave. i wonder if they switched the bottles by mistake, since i've never smelled any soap that smells like aftershave. and whenever i shave my hands and wash them at work, they sting. weird.

so i just injured myself twice eating french fries. they are dangerous. first the crunchy end of one poked my gum and that hurt, then on the next fry i poked myself on the lip with the sharp end. yah.


also:

vote for me


that's from a page with lots of cool buddy icons for aim, called ska punk and other junk. check it out.

so i was walking down the street the other day and passed these two women who were talking to each other, and one lady said "i am having sex for fish". which confused me. she didn't laugh when saying it, but she didn't sound angry either. so i am wondering what the hell she was talking about? i of course immediately thought "i have some bass" but i mispronounced it in my thoughts, like base, so i didn't say that. but is she going on a date with some rich dude because he's going to take her to a nice restaurant so she can get some fish, and then she'll have sex with him? is she having sex with an enviornmentalist? i don't understand this statement. if you have any ideas about it, email me. i need some suggestions.

so i decided to make a list of the best sports names ever, as in players, not names of sports, because tiddly-winks would win hands down, followed by jai alai. so anyway, here they are, according to me. feel free to submit some to me if i forgot anybody.

baseball:
baseball has lots of crazy names, probably because there are about a million baseball players. here's some i like:

Milton Bradley, cf, cleveland indians. Yes, like the board game company. Where are the Parker Brothers? He's actually pretty good, I guess he knows how to take Risks and when to say "Sorry!"

Coco Crisp, cf, also cleveland. I kid you not. What a goofy ass name. I mean, what are the odds your last name will be "Crisp", let alone your first is Coco. I think his first name is really something weirder, but hey, it's tough to top.

Connie Mack, manager, Pittsburgh Pirates and Philadelphia A's. You might ask why Connie Mack, the winningest manager in Major League history, is on this list: his real name is "Cornelius Alexander McGillicuddy", which I think is the most ridiculous real name ever. No wonder he dropped Cornelius McGillicuddy: it sounds like it's from that Simpsons episode and Homer was deciding rather to change his name to either Max Power, Hercules Rockefeller, Rembrandt Q. Einstein or Handsome B. Wonderful. I hear Connie was a big Simpsons fan.

Tim Spooneybarger, pitcher, Florida Marlins. I don't know what a "spooneybarg" is, but I guess his ancestors did it. You know like if your last name was Miller then I bet your ancestors milled stuff and if your last name was Wiseman then I guess you are a cool dude or something.

Catfish Hunter, pitcher, Oakland A's and the stupid Yankees. I like his name because it's a phrase, "what do you do?" "Catfish hunter." Plus, he was a good pitcher, although according to that article, he didn't get his nickname for any cool reason. And he was one of the first big name free agents, paid a ton of money to leave his team by who? The Yankees, of course.

Grover Cleveland Alexander, pitcher, Phillies, Cubs, Cardinals. A pretty funny name for this hall of famer from way back in the day, I think I am going to name my son "Chester Arthur Wiseman" or maybe "Franklin Pierce Wiseman."

But now, I need to get back to work. Here are some more funny ones I will get to when I can.

Buckshot Jones (Nascar, of course)
Dick Trickle (also Nascar, and best sports name ever)
Majestic Mapp (college hoops)
God Shammgod (college hoops)
Christopher Fuamata-Ma'afala (NFL, check out his ridiculous jersey. them's a lotta letters)

so this is what I want to do when wisconsin thinks it's soooo cool

click here

so i think if i have a cat i am going to name it "farty." farty the cat, that sounds good.

in other news, check out this weird shit . it's a news story about a cat translator, don't worry. i like the picture of the cat and the thing. first, the cat looks weird, his head is big. second, he looks a little displeased. and third, yay! it's pink!

so i watched this show "banzai" on sunday on fox (where else), it's the best show ever. it's this weird pseudo-japanese betting show, where weird crap happens and you are supposed to bet on it. one thing i remember was two old ladies playing chicken with their motorized wheelchairs, and another was a priest, a rabbi, and lou ferigno racing on exercise bikes. very funny stuff, and i recommend everyone watch it. it has this crazy japanese writing and the announcer, a japanese guy, uses bad grammar all the time. my roommates and i watched it and did shots of beer if we lost. check out the website which gives you a good idea of what the show is like. it's on next at 8:30 on the 20th (sunday).

so i was thinking: what kind of stupid-ass candy is pixy stix? who was sitting around and thought "wow, I have this great idea! I'll get some sugar and put it in a paper tube! that's much more fun than just eating sugar packets, and i know everyone likes to do that! i'll be rich!" but then whoever controls the supply of the colored sugar stuff must be a billionaire, because it can't be that expensive to make, and i think it's the same stuff that sweet tarts are made out of, too. i wonder if there's an evil cartel that controls the world's colored sugar reserves, like debeers does with diamonds. or maybe it's the main export of some little country, like bird poo was for some pacific island:

swaziland, 1956: "ok mr. prime minister, our economy is in the crapper. we can either work to develop our tourist industry or supply the americans with colored sugar."
"well, tourists can go anywhere, plus no one has heard of our country anyway. however, i've heard of this new idea in stupid-ass candies, and some day they're going to need tons of multi-colored sugar! make it happen!"

or maybe there's an organization of colored sugar producing nations, like opec is for oil, and the sugar ministers get together every now and then to see how production is going and if they need to trigger a fake shortfall to increase profits. "oh no, there's been a monsoon in tahiti's pink and green sugar fields! we're going to have to raise prices!"

so i think holidays suck. they should be banned or optional or something if you are paid by the hour, as i am. i mean, a holiday is supposed to be time off which you are paid for, am I right? to commemorate something or whatever, like the 4th of July or Christmas or Waitangi Day, if you live in new zealand. however, if you are paid by the hour and not allowed to work that day, then it's not a holiday, it's just a no money day. and that sucks.

in other news, our president has made a statement to Iraqi militants that if they wanted to attack us, "bring it on". i think this is about the stupidest get-tough message i've ever heard. we have had many soldiers killed by attacks, and thus obviously we can't stop them all, so please attack us some more. that makes a lot of sense. i mean obviously he, or more likely his advisors, think that if we say this it will make militants think twice before attacking us, but i think in reality it will encourage them to attack. they will just say "oh, bush says the americans are tough enough to stop attacks and is encouraging us to try? fine, let's see how tough they are." i think a much more sensible plan would be to avoid false bravado, to not mention movies about cheerleading, and to say that if you attack us, we will find you and kill you, like president bush said about that one terrorist guy, what was his name?? i forget, he's not important anyway.

so i wore a shirt that said "Howard" with a big X over it to a largely black neighborhod yesterday. that was fun. i was helping my future roommate move out of his place and i noticed all the neighbors were looking at us. adam (the future roommate) lives in columbia heights in d.c., which i don't think is a bad neighborhood, but it's less than safe, i guess you could say. adam says it's "the ghetto," but i think he may be exaggerating a bit. i guess he would know though, since he lives there, and he takes cabs home at night and stuff because he doesn't want to walk. so all the neighbors were staring at us move, and we didn't really know why, and i was getting a little nervous, as it seemed like more than just curiosity since nobody was talking or doing anything else besides staring. then we walked to wendy's to get some dinner and everybody along the way was staring too. "that's odd," i thought. i didn't think it would be that abnormal for there to be some skinny white dudes in a largely minority area. so when we got into the wendy's and we were standing in line, i noticed a black guy in front of me staring at my shirt, and i realized i was wearing a "No Howard" shirt, like with a big red X over "Howard," as in the historically black college in d.c.. i have this shirt because at gw basketball games they throw out shirts to the student section, and the shirts all have an X over the opposing school's name, like UMass or whatever, and i guess i was wearing this as my undershirt at work. it's actually pretty funny: i got hot, took off my work shirt, visited columbia heights for the first and probably only time, and just happened to be wearing the one of the probably 100 t-shirts i have, and the one out of 10 i have with X's over school names, that would be offensive to most of the people there. doh.

so what I think is funny is when people add "-ology" to something to make it sound like a serious occupation. "mixology" is a good example, the "science" of making drinks. I mean, making drinks is definitely a skill, but I think it hardly qualifies as a science. I don't think there are too many graduate programs in mixology around, and it's not as if mixologists are discovering important new things. "The Nobel Prize goes to Chad Roccogrande from Big Ed's in Paramus, New Jersey for his discovery of how to mix Kahlua and schnapps." I play video games a lot, am I a videogamologist? The same thing goes for ufology, the study of UFOs. People definitely study that, but once again, not a science. and even if it is a science, i think they need a new name for it, since I think most sciences aren't just a word plus "-ology". It's called geology, not rockology.

so I got this junk email today with the subject "Make money in your underwear!" I assume this means that if you do whatever it is they are selling, you can make so much money at home that you won't even need to get dressed and you can sit around being lazy and getting rich. however, when i first saw it i thought that if you buy whatever they are selling, you can create dollar bills inside your underpants. or small change. this kind of worries me, as firstly i don't want to use counterfeit money, since i might get caught, and secondly, i don't want to handle money that was on someone's balls. or even worse areas, since either it would stink or i'd catch something. i mean, i would guess you'd do this while you're wearing them, since otherwise the underwear wouldn't really stand up, unless they were really dirty or frozen. and i assume this money would be counterfeit, as i've been to the mint and seen the big machines they use to make the money, and i don't remember seeing any people running around in underwear, unless maybe they were in a vault so no one kidnaps them. kind of like in "minority report," they are special mutant people who have a high tolerance for dying their privates. dying as in using dye, not as in killing, since i would assume most people have no tolerance for that. or then again, maybe this email is an ad for underwear modeling. in which case i think a better subject for the email would be "you are so attractive you ought to be an underwear model", since that sucks up to whoever is reading the email. and thank you, i have considered that in the past, but no one has approached me about it until now.

so call me immature, but i this map makes me laugh. check out the three street names just south of the red star. it could only be funnier if there were a "weiner blvd"

so everybody should download "camel toe" by fanny pack. i think both are two words. it's a funny song with a cool old school beat, and you can't go wrong with a band name like that. apparently the girls in the group are 16, 18, and 21, or something. so get it.

so i have a bit of a quandary at work - what do you do about making jokes with your boss? specifically, i was organizing a softball team for the company picnic, (being the important person that i am, i am only given the most important duties) and i asked the vice president of the group i work in, who's a pretty high-up guy, to be the captain. he declined, and so did a couple of other people above me, and then the v.p. suggested i be the captain, and said "don't worry, I won't hold it against you if we lose", which was pretty funny. but I didn't know how to reply. i thought of lots of funny stuff, such as "that sounds good, I have been watching a lot of ESPN recently" or "ok, but i would need an expense form so I could hire tommy lasorda as my co-captain." both of which (i think) are funny, but since he is the way-up boss and I don't really speak to him much, i don't know if he would appreciate the humor or think "I don't appreciate this kid's sarcasm" or something. so i erred on the side of caution and replied with "EAT SHIT!!!"

so i have developed a theory about public transportation: that there are fewer hot chicks and more crazy people as you go out into the suburbs, which is kind of weird, since you'd think it'd be vice versa. for example, when i ride the bus in the morning from georgetown to the farragut north metro, there are always a billion hot girls on the bus. unfortunately, you can't really mack on chicks on a bus. "hey, you like that pothole, huh?" but then when i get on the metro, there are fewer, and the rest that are on usually leave the train at dupont or tenleytown or friendship heights (i ride the red line). i am sure it's the same way for the blue or other ones. then when i am in rockville, there is about one businessman on the train, an older lady or two, a smelly homeless dude, somebody talking to himself (usually the homeless dude), and a couple other random folks, plus no hot chicks. then when i am waiting for the bus, there are some hispanic people (not that hispanic people are unattractive, i am just saying who is there), some dudes with mullets, a smelly homeless person or two, a couple of older folks who work where i do, and every once in awhile, a special ed class. the homeless dudes are the funniest, i like to listen to their conversations while they are waiting for the bus. here's an actual one that i heard:

homeless dude: "hey, ain't you that lady that lives in the woods?"

homeless woman: "yah, i shore am. you's the guy that rides the train all day."

h.d.: "yup. so where in the woods you live?"

then they talked about where the woods were and where the cops are less likely to find them. actually i guess she wasn't homeless since she lived in the woods. or maybe "the woods" is a fancy subdivision. but anyway, i was always wondering why there were so many weird mullet guys who always got on and off at the same bus stop, and today i figured it out: there's a methadone clinic on my bus route. which is pretty funny, since it goes through nice neighborhoods in rockville. the neighbors must be pleased. when i heard the guy talking to himself, or possibly to me, about how he was about to get some methadone and how he looked forward to it, i started singing "johnny the methadone man" or whatever it's called by fastball in my head. so in any case, if you are determining where to take a job based on how many hot chicks are in the area, which is really the only deciding factor i can think of, then you should pick a job in downtown and not in rockville, where i have never seen a hot chick on my bus, ever.

so i was goofing off at work and found this very funny Yinka Dare page. if you don't know, Yinka "The Stinka" Dare played basketball at GW from 1992-1994 before being drafted in the first round of the draft by new jersey. he proceeded to suck, and holds the NBA record for most minutes without an assist. he also air balled something like 6 straight free throws, which is pretty ridiculous. right now he's on the injured list for a team in the USBL, a crummy independent basketball league. but in any case, the page is way funny.

more yinka fun:
the USBL injured list page. see 4-30

Yinka's NBA stats. notice the 95-96 numbers: 626 minutes, 0 assists.

brief history of yinka's playing career.

so this is more a note to myself, but here are some concerts i wanna go to. i figure i should put them on here, otherwise i will lose the sheet of paper or email i wrote it on.

Black Cat, THUR MAY 15- MC PAUL BARMAN, JESSY MOSS, FISH MARKET $10 Mainstage 9:00
mc paul barman is a hilarious rapper, he raps about the weirdest stuff. download some of his stuff!

9:30 club Rooney & Feeder w/ AM Radio 6pm Doors FRI. MAY. 23 $10.00
feeder is one of those mid-90's alternative bands i like. they did "i'm going out for awhile, so i can get high with my friends," which i think is just called "high"

Black cat WED JUNE 11- ASH $12 Mainstage 8:30
ash is a cool brit-pop band i like a lot, i wrote about them earlier in the blog

SUN JUNE 22 - AMERICAN ANALOG SET, CALLA, PAUL NEWMAN $10 Mainstage 8:30
american analog set is this interesting band that plays slow sort of techno music, kind of like air, i guess. they are neat. i dunno the rest, though i am looking forward to buying some salad dressing from the other people playing.

so i was doing some work online the other day and found this address : "E 42nd Stra, Tucson AZ." I thought, "what the hell is a 'stra'?" it's not spanish, as spanish for street is "calle" and the other words that mean avenue and pass and such aren't like "stra" either. and senorita is "srta", not "stra." so i looked some more online and found this page, the postal service abbreviation list, which, if you go down to s, you see Stra is "Stravenue". I've never heard of a stravenue before, so I guess it's half street, half avenue, which doesn't make any sense, as an avenue is defined (on the american heritage dictionary on yahoo at least) as:

1. abbr. Ave. or Av. A wide street or thoroughfare.

2a. A broad roadway lined with trees. b. Chiefly British The drive leading from the main road up to a country house.

so a stravenue is half wide street (possibly lined with trees) and half not a wide street, not lined with trees? why not just call it avenue? i am sure that not every part of an avenue has trees or is wide. and in towns in lots of places, especially in texas, a "street" runs east-west, while an "avenue" runs north-south, or vice versa, whether or not they are wide or tree-lined. looking them up on a map, such as this one, they seem to be in the city and in no particular area, just sort of strewn around. i also think that "Cherrybell stravenue" is about the funniest and most made-up sounding street ever. it sounds like it's where strawberry shortcake or the my little ponies live. when i was looking around, i found another page where a postal worker asks "what's a stravenue?" so apparently even the postal workers don't know, and i was unable to find anything else explaining what it is. i expect to see an avenulevard next.

so i went to see ben kweller play the other day, and i have to say, it's pretty weird to get rocked by somebody who is younger than you. it was a good concert, but it was an interesting crowd. pretty much eveybody there was a high school girl, with a few boyfriends thrown in and a couple of high school dudes who wish they were ben kweller but were acting cool so nobody noticed they weren't. it was really amusing actually, all of the girls were obviously in love with him and were singing all lyrics, which is doubly odd in that i knew them too. so it made for an amusing experience, liking a concert while being surrounded by 17 year old girls infatuated with the musician. i saw a couple of people i knew and we were commenting on how everyone was looking enviosuly at our over 21 hand stamps. i would say that i was the oldest person there (since the folks i went with are younger than me) but that would be incorrect, because there were a lot of dads there, standing far enough away from their daughters to not incur a "god dad you are so annoying!!" but close enough to make sure that some bad punk d.c. dudes didn't hit on them. and dads, you were succesful.

so i was looking through an online dictionary, and found this , a very thorough definition and etymology of the F word. it's pretty interesting, especially the etymology discussion part of where the word came from. plus there is an audio clip of somebody saying it. i think it'd be funny if they said it as an interjection instead of just plainly. and then when you are done reading that, you can click on the next word and get some uses of the F word. there's nothing new, but it's funny to see that stuff in print anyway.

so i think that candy is my favorite food. i could eat it all day. i like pretty much every kind, except for salty dutch licorice, which tastes like it is supposed to be a joke candy, but it's actually a real candy that dutch people like. i like to bite the chocolate off of 3 musketeers so it's just a bar of nougat stuff, then i eat that too. i like to bite the heads off gummi bears and bite the bodies off other ones and stick them together to make multicolored frankenstein gummi bears. i used to have wars with mike and ikes, with the greens and yellows versus and reds and oranges and i'd eat the casualties. i like circus peanuts. no one else does. and i like necco wafers, which i think are the same thing as the candy valentines hearts, which i like too. word up to candy.

so i was going to post something really funny but i forgot what it was. however, i have come to a startling and sad realization. every day i am laughing more and more at dilbert cartoons. before i'd say, "oh, there's a human resources person who is mean, wow, not that funny," or "oh look they are talking about mass office emails, wow that's hilarious." but now, i get it. and the "office space" references have increased steadily too.

so i hope i am wrong, but i think we may have witnessed the beginning of the end of the u.s. as the only superpower in the world. i think this war is sort of the straw that breaks the camel's back that turns world opinion wholly against us. other countries have already hated us, and now most of europe is against us, which is never good. just because we are powerful and rich it doesn't mean we will always be rich and powerful, and we can't just enforce that on the world, militarily or economically. one of the main reasons that england declined and is no longer a world power is that they spread themselves too thin and thought that because they were rich and powerful that they could, and then they started getting thrown out of and voluntarily left huge areas of the world, like india, the u.s., and the middle east, where they used to be dominant, and then one day just decided to leave because it was too difficult to keep control. and while we don't rule areas militarily, we sort of do economically, and we cannot stand against the whole world as we are. and using another historical example, when spain was an imperial power, they assumed that they'd always be rich and have a supply of gold and silver from their colonies, and then they started to face independence movements and got less gold and silver, and thus they are now just another dinky country. granted i am rambling, and we have a lot more natural resources than spain, but i think it's a similar situation, we seem to think that our economy will always be strong, and it won't be if we just assume it will. assuming that we'll be powerful while at the same time being antagonistic and arrogant to the whole world and ignoring the united nations just will not work out in the end, i think. and again, i hope i am wrong. now i am going to go eat french fries and french toast and see if there are any busty girls in american flag bikinis in maxim.

so i think that everyone should download the song "get a haircut and get a real job" (at least I think that's what it's called) by george thorogood and the destroyers. because i was sitting at work today thinking of the things i needed to do today, and those came to mind. plus that is a good song. i went to a rockies game once in denver and they played it at the stadium when john kruk came up to bat for the phillies. that was funny.

so what's up with "word to your mom"? it doesn't make any sense to me. word means "i agree," like "right on" or something, but what's with the to your mom part? should you go and tell that person's mom that you agree? does that mean it is more correct than if you had not said "to your mother"? no one says "correct to your mother." what about word to your dad or uncle? are they untrustworthy? how weird.

also, this is better http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/yatta.html

so this is probably the funniest whatever the fuck this is that i've ever seen:

go here now, honestly

it's from a porn site apparently, but it's the best one i could find. and it doesn't show any porn so don't worry.

after checking that out, you can go here for what I think is information about that. it could all be nonsense though.

so i was goofing around online today and got this link from somewhere. it's a dialect survey done by harvard, you put where you from and answer how you say certain words (like whether you say coke, like normal people do, or you say pop or soda like weirdos). then it maps it all. pretty cool stuff. check it out:

dialect survey

so today i got a 5-cent raise. i think i am going to go buy a car now.

so there's this guy at work who sneezes really really loud, it's bizarre. it's like he's shouting "AAAHH CHOOOO" as loud as he can. I work down the hall and around the corner, and even with the door closed, i can still hear him. i suggest he get that looked at. i'm surprised he doesn't have permanent laryngitis or hasn't sneezed his vocal cords out. craziness.

so i am bored at work. check out this weird, semi-official looking essay i found supposedly written by some military officers and such on defending the planet from asteroids. i wonder if it was written before or after "armageddon" and that other one.

http://www.pbnnews.freeservers.com/

so i like cake

so i watched the state of the union last night. i learned in middle school that you don't pronounce "nuclear" as "new-kew-lur". it's ridiculous, this is the president and he's mispronouncing an extremely important word, one of the main points of his scheme to invade iraq. come on. i guess he's trying to be more like the average person, but mispronouncing a word, even if everybody else does it, is about the worst way to go about it. it's not as if only the really intellectual, effete and snooty people pronounce it correctly or something, and that by pronouncing it right he is alienating people. we know you're dumb, george. you don't need to prove it to us. so cut out the homer simpson impression and go back to the dictionary.

so i dunno if this is real or not, but it's pretty interesting:

http://www.pbnnews.freeservers.com/

It's supposedly a scholarly report from military people about how to stop meteors from hitting the earth. hooray for google.

so here's some random mp3s i've been listening to recently -
cornelius - bird watching in inner forest - he's kooky, some music critic types have called him the japanese beck. this song he samples birds chirping and forest sounds
ted leo and the pharmacists - parellel or together - a neat quick song with cool guitars
catatonia - village idiot - cool, i duuno what else to say. is funky

check em out yo

so i was fiddling around at work and found the website for shawnta rogers' team in france. shawnta played for gw, where i went to school, and was awesome. he was 5'4 and led the conference in points and assists and led the nation in steals his senior year. check out the links.

the team. I think it's funny that they all have different uniforms. or at least they are all wearing the home, away, and alt jerseys. weird.

shawnta.

stats I think PD is steals

buy some stuff . shawnta is the model on the left. nice hat dude.

go lemans

so i like it when the server at work crashes, which makes it impossible to do any work. good times. i think ludacris said it best: "i got big balls, i'm a sac king like chris webber."

or maybe it was "i get saved by more bells than lark voorhees." i forget.

so maybe it's just me, but i don't understand why elton john's "saturday night's alright for fighting" is famous. i mean, it's elton john saying "i want to make a southern rock song," and him singing about getting a belly full of beer and hanging around with his old lady just isn't believable to me. maybe it was back when it came out, but i dunno, a guy in a white suit with sunglasses the size of dinner plates playing the piano doesn't strike me as a big brawler. don't get me wrong, i think elton john has some cool songs, and the music is ok in this one, but i dunno. kind of odd.

so i think the people who are interviewed on fox news and entertainment tonight whose jobs are to say what celebrities like and will be wearing are ridiculous. how many times did these people have to sleep through work at mcdonalds to get these jobs? honestly. i can't see anybody growing up and saying they want to guess what other people will be wearing. i spend enough energy finding a clean t-shirt, i don't want to have to think about what other people might possibly be wearing. and what if they're wrong? do they get fired? do they get paid by performance? is there a rating scale? like such-and-such was 62% correct, he gets a raise. "well britney thinks that she's going to wear more pink this year because pink is fun and girly." come to think of it, i'd be pretty good at that. i just made that up and it sounds like any of those other shmos. and really, is there that much desire from people to hear this? i don't see a groundswell of picketers carrying signs saying they want to know what sort of pants jennifer lopez will wear this season. oh well. i guess everybody needs a job.

ps, happy new year. i didn't make a resolution to post more often, but i should have.