So what the hell is wrong with ads for medicine? Why do they purposely not make any sense? I was looking around online and I saw an ad for something called Crestor. Although it sounds like one of He-Man’s enemies, it’s apparently a medicine. The ad said “Crestor: if you want to be clear, ask your doctor if Crestor is right for you.” Now this ad struck me as strange, since it doesn’t say what medical condition it’s supposed to treat, and the idea of “being clear” makes me immediately think of venereal disease. However, when looking around, I discovered that Crestor is actually for cholesterol. So, why not say that in your damn ad?

“Hey doc, it burns when I pee, should I get Crestor?”
“Well, are your arteries clogged also?”

My roommate has the same problem (not VD, I mean he doesn't understand drug ads). I think he was watching an ad for some herpes medicine and thought it was for sinuses, so he said he needed that. I guess you had to be there. And I mean, my roommate and I are fairly intelligent dudes and we don’t understand these ads. Are they supposed to be brain teasers? There must be some kind of law against saying “take this to cure your herpes, ok?” or something. Seriously, these companies could have a kindergarten poster contest and get better ads. What are these meetings like? “No, we don’t need to mention what the drug actually does, I’d rather just have more drawings of sad blobs or a movie of people sitting in bathtubs at the top of a mountain.”

Boondocks has been running a series about this sort of thing too, which is pretty funny: check it out. (click “previous” for the next strip on the topic).

So today is officially the first day of polo shirt weather, which is a good thing, since it means I now have more than five things I can wear to work. That also means that the official first day of shorts weather is around the corner too, which is pretty cool. And also the official first day of girls wearing tank tops weather is soon, which is good, but unfortunately that comes with capri pants weather, which is a bad thing. Capri pants suck, I think they are one of the worst fashion trends there is, they make girls' legs look like they a foot long. They make tall girls look short and short girls look like midgets. Look at yourselves in the mirror! And the same goes for those colored square sunglasses that wrap around, you know what I mean? I call them eurotrash glasses. Unless the idea is to be unattractive, I don't see why girls wear them. Here’s a couple terrible examples:

one
two
three
And now, the prime example. Jessica Simpson, looking bad in these stupid sunglasses

And now the Tom Cruise Top Gun sunglasses appear to be popular, which I don't understand. What's next, those 1980s octagonal middle-aged women glasses?

so it amazes me how many people have never heard of a slap bracelet. i work at a museum gift shop on the weekends and we sell lots of jewelry, from fancy expensive stuff to cheap stuff like slap bracelets. the ones we have are wrapped in plastic, like a bag, and people pick them up, turn them over and fiddle with them for a few minutes before asking me "what's this?" i reply "were you around in the early nineties?" actually i tell them it's a slap bracelet, and most of the time they look at me blankly and say "what's that?" so i demonstrate it, and they say "oh, that's weird." the last lady i showed one to bought it, but then didn't take it out of the plastic and wore it out of the store. I guess people forget fads easily.

so it's that time again, the concerts i want to see. i guess skip this blog and wait for a funny one, whoever may be reading this.

well ben kweller and the darkness sold out, so that sucks

x TUES MAR 23- THE DECEMBERISTS, CLEARLAKE, TOM HEINL $10 mainstage 8:30

n SUN MAR 28- THE SLEEPY JACKSON, ON THE SPEAKERS (ex-Creeper Lagoon), ROBBERS ON HIGH STREET $10 mainstage 8:30

n WED. MAR. 31 Phantom Planet w/ Adam Green
7pm Doors @ Recher Theatre • Baltimore, MD $15.00

n THU. APR. 8 Air $35.00

n FRI. APR. 9 Air $35.00

n MON. APR. 12 N.E.R.D. & Black Eyed Peas $25.00

x MON APR 12- PINBACK, AMERICAN ANALOG SET, EL GUAPO $12 mainstage 8:30

n WED. APR. 14 Southern Culture on the Skids $15.00

x FRI APR 16- LIARS, GET HUSTLE, YOUNG PEOPLE $10 mainstage 9:30

x SAT. APR. 17 Snow Patrol Late Show! 10pm Doors $10.00

n TUE. APR. 20 Stereolab w/ Mice Parade $17.00

SUN APR 25- I AM THE WORLD TRADE CENTER, PAPER LIONS $5 backstage 9:00

FRI MAY 7- RAVEONETTES $12 mainstage 8:30

THU MAY 13 - SLOAN mainstage 8:30

FRI May 14 - The Bigger Lovers (at DC9)

Mon., May 17th- Bonepont (at IOTA)

SAT MAY 22 - THE THRILLS mainstage 9:30

so, sorry for the abrupt change of tone, but I have been thinking a lot about the war and things and I found this page called "Faces of the Fallen" from the Washington Post: it has pictures of all the U. S. fatalities in Iraq and talks a little bit about them. It's extremely sad and makes me angry, and it's ridiculous that the most news I've gotten on the war has been from that page and from and MTV documentary. But anyway, I thought it was worth posting: Faces of the Fallen

I also found this article about military families against the war.

So i was watching "Showgirls" the movie, the other day. That movie is incredible. However, it's incredible because it's full of attractive girls who are naked most of the time, and yet it's painful to watch. I mean I can put up with a lot to see some nudity, but man, that movie is terrible. All of the overacting and annoying characters and cheesy crap eliminated the fun of watching girls dance around. And i thought that could never be done.

So in it's place I recommend "Family Business" on Showtime, it follows a real-life pornstar named Seymour Butts (real name: Adam) who now directs and markets his videos and toys and things of that nature. His mom is his accountant and his weird old cousin is his assistant (or something). It’s a pretty funny show, Adam is a likable guy and the cousin is pretty hilarious, he reminds me of Kramer from Seinfeld, he’s always getting into weird adventures. There is some nudity, but, and I never though I’d say this, it’s not gratuitous. It’s sort of cool because it’s an interesting show, and the nudity is rare enough to make it an event when it happens, the show isn’t just an excuse to show boobies. Plus it’s funny to hear Adam talk with his mom about how they need to order 200 more copies of Tushie Attack Volume 3. Check it out! (I hope that link works, I posted it at work and so obviously could not check it.)

So i was looking through the comics page of the newspaper and I decided to read the bridge column. That stuff never makes any sense, it's like a string of random words put together. Obviously it's for bridge players, but bridge sounds like the most confusing game since braille cricket or that game Calvin and Hobbes used to play. And how many people actually read it? I bet I could write it and nobody would know the difference. So, here goes.

First, there's always some kind of stupid pun, like this one I found in the Washington Post:

Ever noticed," my friend the English professor said, "that 'ept,' 'ane,' 'mune' and 'ruly' aren't words, yet we have 'inept,' 'inane,' 'immune,' and 'unruly'?" The play by today's declarer wasn't too ept.

Ooh, how delightfully clever! And occasionally, there's a lame extended metaphor like Adam and Eve playing against the snake in the garden of eden, or something.

Bridge by Andrew Wiseman

When driving down the highway with my bridge partner to a game at the VFW, my companion remarked that bridge was like a road trip that never ended. I thought this was true, especially since driving is also really fucking boring. Then I was reminded of the time I went to New Orleans and had a voodoo of a game!

(Then after the clever remark, there's a jumble of numbers and letters that don't seem to correspond with actual cards or cardinal directions)

You hold H 6 N J 8 Q A T A R 6 P O O P 1 2 3 4 5

After acclimatizing to the humidity of our low-lying bridge table, North leads with his high queen, countered by East who trumped a dummy jack, trying to finesse a strain out of Lake Pontchartrain by bidding up West's taco. After holding a suit at the dry cleaners because it was still stained and using a singleton diamond to sort out the bric-a-brac and cueing a trick or treat in your weak hand, probably weak because you spent too much time passed out in the gutter and not enough time throwing beads to girls, North ruff-sluffed. Then East ga-ron-tees that his queen would beat an alligator in a fight and slams interest through a mangrove swamp in a hurricane. South Vulnerable.


And most of those are real terms. Bridge columns suck. It's like reading a dictionary with irritable bowel syndrome.