so i found some more stupid spam crap. today i got an email with the subject "Re: plum unusual hermit forcefulness nucleic". what the hell is that? "oh, random words strung together, i should check that, it might be from my grandma with alzheimers." how could that ever work? well, i guess if they send a million of these they might get a real sentence like "i am having a party" or something, but it's still pretty ridiculous. why not at least try to make subjects that make sense? i guess i should get into spamming people since i keep thinking of stuff i avoid. i could write email subjects that people would actually read, such as "you gave me herpes, you asshole!"

so i'm really getting sick of spam in my email. and it's not even clever spam anymore that I might possibly open, it's so ridiculous that I can't believe people are reading it. "ooh! an email from uegfgajowumrx.com, I must know that person!!" or the ones that say "Pëñïš ēńľåřġęmĕʼnŧ", "ooh, that must be legit because of all of those funny looking letters!" obviously some idiots must be reading it or else they wouldn't be sending it, but damn! maybe instead of suing spammers, we should sue the morons who read the spam and make spammers think that what they are doing is working.

so it's time for more hilarious observations from work!!! yay!

first off, i don't like it when people talk to me when i'm in the bathroom at the urinal, especially people i don't know. to me, pissing is a private act, and i don't want to discuss it with anybody.
"how's it going, random person from the office?"
"pretty good man, just holding my penis."
"cool, me too"

i mean, nobody talks to you while pooping? why is it ok to do while peeing? weird.


also, i went to this new deli place near my work, and they didn't have french fries, which was odd. but the main thing is that they had a "san diego chicken sandwich". which i guess means they had a sandwich made of this. sounds delicious!

so i was goofing around online the other day and i saw this ad:

(if the image doesn't work, try right clicking and going to "show picture," or click here)

the ad is for the women's world cup, and i noticed it at first because it moves, but then i noticed something else: look at the dude on the right. notice how far down the picture goes. the body paint ends about 2 inches below his belly button, and then you can see what looks like some dark stuff and what appears to be some underwear. i mean, either this dude has some low, low pants on, or he is really doing something to get the female soccer players' attentions. didn't yahoo or whoever notice that this might not be the best picture to use in an ad? "hey you guys, i've got this great picture of a pantsless guy and a sign, let's use this!!" good thing it says "action images" there, or else we might be getting a show. weird.

So I am bored as a gourd and the boss is out of the office, so I am going to write about one of my favorite subjects, candy. I love candy. I could eat it all day. Although, I think I have a cavity now. Which sucks. But anyway, who cares about that shit. Here are my favorite candies and why, in no particular order

Mambas - i think Mambas are great, they are like better Starburst with more fruit-tasting flavor (as opposed to chemical fruity flavor like starburst) and they aren't as sweet, and they are cheaper. Plus they don't spread mad cow disease! which is always how I judge my candies.

Twizzlers - So Twizzlers do taste like toxic waste, but it's delicious toxic waste. i like the cherry flavor a lot, and it's a good consistency. but eat too many and your stomach can't absorb all that waxy crap.

Mike and Ikes - I think Mike and Ikes are my favorite candy. They're fruity and sweet and i dunno, yummy. We used to get 5 pound bags at the Sam's Club or Price Club or whatever and i'd eat it in a week. Then i couldn't get out of bed for a week. weird.

Three Musketeers - I think Three Musketeers is my favorite chocolate candy. I like the nibble off all the outside chocolate so there's just a bar of nougat stuff left. yum.

Circus Peanuts - no, seriously. I know they are pretty disgusting, but sometimes I have a craving for them. maybe it's the spongy consistency. or their obvious nutritional value and natural coloring.

Well, that's all i can think of now. i will probably add more later.

got any you like that i forgot?
email me

so I went to the dentist’s office today, and now I smell like dentist’s office. You know, like that chalky latex bib thing. that thing stinks.

so one of my favorite new jokes is to eat candy with wrappers, like starburst or mambas, then carefully fold the wrapper back up like it looks like there is candy inside, and offer it to people. man, that is hours of fun. somebody brought a jack o'lantern to work and put it at the mailboxes, i think i am going to fill it with empty wrappers. good times.

so maybe nobody else does this, but there's a lot of big, multi-person cubicles in my office, so i hear lots of people talk without seeing them. i like to see if i can figure out who has what voice, and then i like when i see the person talk. sometimes it's like "that guy has that voice??" it's interesting, because voice really differs person to person. it seems like sometimes the biggest people can have the smallest voices and vice versa.

and since there were no funny jokes in this post, here's one:

Q: What does a bell made out of poop sound like?

A: Dung!

so i am really starting to like chili dogs. there's a hot dog vendor near work who makes pretty good ones and they are cheap. and for some reason i fart a lot at work now. weird.

has anybody noticed that i keep talking about bodily functions? only poop is left, i guess. stay tuned.

so i don't understand how i can have so much snot. i think i am getting sick and i keep having to blow my nose, over and over. i have thought before that i'd like to get my mucous membranes removed, because sometimes having to squirt water up my nose to keep it moist sounds like a fair trade-off. i mean i am surprised there is still liquid in my body. snot sucks.