9/30/2003

so somebody on the train this morning smelled just like jack daniel's. it was pretty weird, i guess it was some sort of cologne? everybody on the train was all dressed for work and i didn't see any bums or anything. maybe somebody was doing shots at happy hour last night and forgot to change his shirt. i dunno though, it seems like you might not want to buy cologne that smells like alcohol.

"man, tom's a good worker, but he always reeks of alcohol."
"i think that's his cologne."
"oh, ok, and this red lipstick-looking stuff on my collar is from when i dropped a lollipop."

9/24/2003

so i am getting pretty sick of the water cooler at work. it seems like the only time the tank gets changed is when i change it, everyone else in the office, probably 50 people, would rather sit and wait for the water to slowly drip into their cup than replace the jug. it's not like i know some amazing and difficult skill, you just pick it up and flip it on. anyone with the ability to lift 10 pounds can do it, and anyone with more coordination than manute bol can flip it into place. i think i am going to write a note offering training courses on how to replace the water jug. maybe i will print up certificates: "I, the undersigned, am no longer a lazy jackass." it's like i am some kind of provider, the god of water. "Here, my thirsty ones, come drink! Let me provide this water to you." "Oh thank you, water god." Now i just need to get some concubines and nymphs and stuff.

9/06/2003

so i just discovered the funniest thing in the world: if you go to superpages.com's people search or to yahoo people search or something and look for the last name "butt." it's hours of fun. i was looking around new york city and found some of the best and awesomest and most ridiculous names ever, like "A. Butt" "Abdul Butt," "Charm P. Butt," "Farooq A. Butt" "C. Butt" "Hubert Butt" "Gull H. Butt" etc. God damn if that is not the funniest thing ever. an example. I haven't looked for "poop" or "boob" or "penis" but rest assured, that day will come.

9/02/2003

so I don’t understand why so many coffee places seem to have enormous straws all of a sudden. The other day I got a smoothie at a place and the straw was twice as long as the cup, and today I got a blended coffee thing and the straw is probably two feet long, it looks ridiculous. I mean, besides reminding ladies of my anatomy (ho ho) what’s the point of these? I ordered a small smoothie, not a Super Big Gulp. But now I can drink while holding my cup at arm’s length! Yay! Is there suddenly a lot of people who are in casts or have arthritis and can’t bend their arms? Do running backs need to hold smoothies while stiff-arming people? I don’t get it. I guess it saves me money though, since even though I left my drink on the metro train, I can still drink it from my desk.

9/01/2003

so i was just watching a commercial for lavalife, i think it was called, a dating phone line thing where you call in and talk to people. it was talking about the people supposedly on the system, like "steve has two left feet but he makes up for it with two left shoes." no actually it said "steve has two left feet but makes up for it with a love of cooking," "so and so is a marketing manager and makes friends fast, etc". then there was one, "dave (or some name i forget) is a doctor and loves the outdoors and romantic walks to the convenience store." what the hell does that mean? walking to the convenience store to buy condoms? it's not funny, and the announcer didn't say it with any hint of a joke. i don't see how that advertises your service at all. "ooh! guys who either want to have sex with me or are weird and think walking to the convenience store is fun! i want some of that!!"