so i was goofing around online the other day and i saw this ad:

(if the image doesn't work, try right clicking and going to "show picture," or click here)

the ad is for the women's world cup, and i noticed it at first because it moves, but then i noticed something else: look at the dude on the right. notice how far down the picture goes. the body paint ends about 2 inches below his belly button, and then you can see what looks like some dark stuff and what appears to be some underwear. i mean, either this dude has some low, low pants on, or he is really doing something to get the female soccer players' attentions. didn't yahoo or whoever notice that this might not be the best picture to use in an ad? "hey you guys, i've got this great picture of a pantsless guy and a sign, let's use this!!" good thing it says "action images" there, or else we might be getting a show. weird.

So I am bored as a gourd and the boss is out of the office, so I am going to write about one of my favorite subjects, candy. I love candy. I could eat it all day. Although, I think I have a cavity now. Which sucks. But anyway, who cares about that shit. Here are my favorite candies and why, in no particular order

Mambas - i think Mambas are great, they are like better Starburst with more fruit-tasting flavor (as opposed to chemical fruity flavor like starburst) and they aren't as sweet, and they are cheaper. Plus they don't spread mad cow disease! which is always how I judge my candies.

Twizzlers - So Twizzlers do taste like toxic waste, but it's delicious toxic waste. i like the cherry flavor a lot, and it's a good consistency. but eat too many and your stomach can't absorb all that waxy crap.

Mike and Ikes - I think Mike and Ikes are my favorite candy. They're fruity and sweet and i dunno, yummy. We used to get 5 pound bags at the Sam's Club or Price Club or whatever and i'd eat it in a week. Then i couldn't get out of bed for a week. weird.

Three Musketeers - I think Three Musketeers is my favorite chocolate candy. I like the nibble off all the outside chocolate so there's just a bar of nougat stuff left. yum.

Circus Peanuts - no, seriously. I know they are pretty disgusting, but sometimes I have a craving for them. maybe it's the spongy consistency. or their obvious nutritional value and natural coloring.

Well, that's all i can think of now. i will probably add more later.

got any you like that i forgot?
email me

so I went to the dentist’s office today, and now I smell like dentist’s office. You know, like that chalky latex bib thing. that thing stinks.

so one of my favorite new jokes is to eat candy with wrappers, like starburst or mambas, then carefully fold the wrapper back up like it looks like there is candy inside, and offer it to people. man, that is hours of fun. somebody brought a jack o'lantern to work and put it at the mailboxes, i think i am going to fill it with empty wrappers. good times.

so maybe nobody else does this, but there's a lot of big, multi-person cubicles in my office, so i hear lots of people talk without seeing them. i like to see if i can figure out who has what voice, and then i like when i see the person talk. sometimes it's like "that guy has that voice??" it's interesting, because voice really differs person to person. it seems like sometimes the biggest people can have the smallest voices and vice versa.

and since there were no funny jokes in this post, here's one:

Q: What does a bell made out of poop sound like?

A: Dung!

so i am really starting to like chili dogs. there's a hot dog vendor near work who makes pretty good ones and they are cheap. and for some reason i fart a lot at work now. weird.

has anybody noticed that i keep talking about bodily functions? only poop is left, i guess. stay tuned.

so i don't understand how i can have so much snot. i think i am getting sick and i keep having to blow my nose, over and over. i have thought before that i'd like to get my mucous membranes removed, because sometimes having to squirt water up my nose to keep it moist sounds like a fair trade-off. i mean i am surprised there is still liquid in my body. snot sucks.

so what I really hate is fruit on the bottom yogurt. That stuff sucks. For one, it takes hours to eat, because first you have to mix it up and try (unsuccessfully) to get all the fruit off the bottom. Then while you're mixing it, some always gets pushed over the edge of the little plastic cup and onto your pants or the table, so you've got a nice stain. And then when you finally get the fruit mixed in enough, it's still gross, because the fruit looks like colored sperm. That's a nice metaphor, huh? I think I'm going to use that one more often. Actually I guess not, since sperm isn't really chunky, unless you really need to see a doctor. Maybe it's like the insides of a tomato or pumpkin. that's better. And then the mixed yogurt has a gross consistency anyway, with random bits of squishy chunks, and when you finish eating, there's still a bunch of congealed fruit crap on the bottom of the cup. but at least it's not "Gogurt." Gee, I think we need more squishy food products in a tube, because I am tired of using utensils. It takes too much time to use a plate and spoon, I just want to squirt food into my mouth. Why don't we see more food like this? I wanna see "Gochili". Maybe I'll make that, and become a millionaire. That sounds alright.