7/31/2003

so i decided to make a list of the best sports names ever, as in players, not names of sports, because tiddly-winks would win hands down, followed by jai alai. so anyway, here they are, according to me. feel free to submit some to me if i forgot anybody.

baseball:
baseball has lots of crazy names, probably because there are about a million baseball players. here's some i like:

Milton Bradley, cf, cleveland indians. Yes, like the board game company. Where are the Parker Brothers? He's actually pretty good, I guess he knows how to take Risks and when to say "Sorry!"

Coco Crisp, cf, also cleveland. I kid you not. What a goofy ass name. I mean, what are the odds your last name will be "Crisp", let alone your first is Coco. I think his first name is really something weirder, but hey, it's tough to top.

Connie Mack, manager, Pittsburgh Pirates and Philadelphia A's. You might ask why Connie Mack, the winningest manager in Major League history, is on this list: his real name is "Cornelius Alexander McGillicuddy", which I think is the most ridiculous real name ever. No wonder he dropped Cornelius McGillicuddy: it sounds like it's from that Simpsons episode and Homer was deciding rather to change his name to either Max Power, Hercules Rockefeller, Rembrandt Q. Einstein or Handsome B. Wonderful. I hear Connie was a big Simpsons fan.

Tim Spooneybarger, pitcher, Florida Marlins. I don't know what a "spooneybarg" is, but I guess his ancestors did it. You know like if your last name was Miller then I bet your ancestors milled stuff and if your last name was Wiseman then I guess you are a cool dude or something.

Catfish Hunter, pitcher, Oakland A's and the stupid Yankees. I like his name because it's a phrase, "what do you do?" "Catfish hunter." Plus, he was a good pitcher, although according to that article, he didn't get his nickname for any cool reason. And he was one of the first big name free agents, paid a ton of money to leave his team by who? The Yankees, of course.

Grover Cleveland Alexander, pitcher, Phillies, Cubs, Cardinals. A pretty funny name for this hall of famer from way back in the day, I think I am going to name my son "Chester Arthur Wiseman" or maybe "Franklin Pierce Wiseman."

But now, I need to get back to work. Here are some more funny ones I will get to when I can.

Buckshot Jones (Nascar, of course)
Dick Trickle (also Nascar, and best sports name ever)
Majestic Mapp (college hoops)
God Shammgod (college hoops)
Christopher Fuamata-Ma'afala (NFL, check out his ridiculous jersey. them's a lotta letters)

7/22/2003

so this is what I want to do when wisconsin thinks it's soooo cool

click here

7/17/2003

so i think if i have a cat i am going to name it "farty." farty the cat, that sounds good.

in other news, check out this weird shit . it's a news story about a cat translator, don't worry. i like the picture of the cat and the thing. first, the cat looks weird, his head is big. second, he looks a little displeased. and third, yay! it's pink!

7/14/2003

so i watched this show "banzai" on sunday on fox (where else), it's the best show ever. it's this weird pseudo-japanese betting show, where weird crap happens and you are supposed to bet on it. one thing i remember was two old ladies playing chicken with their motorized wheelchairs, and another was a priest, a rabbi, and lou ferigno racing on exercise bikes. very funny stuff, and i recommend everyone watch it. it has this crazy japanese writing and the announcer, a japanese guy, uses bad grammar all the time. my roommates and i watched it and did shots of beer if we lost. check out the website which gives you a good idea of what the show is like. it's on next at 8:30 on the 20th (sunday).

7/03/2003

so i was thinking: what kind of stupid-ass candy is pixy stix? who was sitting around and thought "wow, I have this great idea! I'll get some sugar and put it in a paper tube! that's much more fun than just eating sugar packets, and i know everyone likes to do that! i'll be rich!" but then whoever controls the supply of the colored sugar stuff must be a billionaire, because it can't be that expensive to make, and i think it's the same stuff that sweet tarts are made out of, too. i wonder if there's an evil cartel that controls the world's colored sugar reserves, like debeers does with diamonds. or maybe it's the main export of some little country, like bird poo was for some pacific island:

swaziland, 1956: "ok mr. prime minister, our economy is in the crapper. we can either work to develop our tourist industry or supply the americans with colored sugar."
"well, tourists can go anywhere, plus no one has heard of our country anyway. however, i've heard of this new idea in stupid-ass candies, and some day they're going to need tons of multi-colored sugar! make it happen!"

or maybe there's an organization of colored sugar producing nations, like opec is for oil, and the sugar ministers get together every now and then to see how production is going and if they need to trigger a fake shortfall to increase profits. "oh no, there's been a monsoon in tahiti's pink and green sugar fields! we're going to have to raise prices!"

7/02/2003

so i think holidays suck. they should be banned or optional or something if you are paid by the hour, as i am. i mean, a holiday is supposed to be time off which you are paid for, am I right? to commemorate something or whatever, like the 4th of July or Christmas or Waitangi Day, if you live in new zealand. however, if you are paid by the hour and not allowed to work that day, then it's not a holiday, it's just a no money day. and that sucks.

in other news, our president has made a statement to Iraqi militants that if they wanted to attack us, "bring it on". i think this is about the stupidest get-tough message i've ever heard. we have had many soldiers killed by attacks, and thus obviously we can't stop them all, so please attack us some more. that makes a lot of sense. i mean obviously he, or more likely his advisors, think that if we say this it will make militants think twice before attacking us, but i think in reality it will encourage them to attack. they will just say "oh, bush says the americans are tough enough to stop attacks and is encouraging us to try? fine, let's see how tough they are." i think a much more sensible plan would be to avoid false bravado, to not mention movies about cheerleading, and to say that if you attack us, we will find you and kill you, like president bush said about that one terrorist guy, what was his name?? i forget, he's not important anyway.